When I met Chris, I felt that he was a kind and caring man. When we were together, I always enjoyed it, but subconsciously, I was afraid to allow myself to be vulnerable. I was an independent registered nurse, single parent divorcee with a lot of hurts. In my heart, I wanted to show him all the love and affection he deserved, but I didn’t know how. I remember him saying that he wished I could express my heart to him. He seemed to want to know everything about me. He was able to share how much he loved me, how much he missed me throughout the day. He needed to touch me and hold me at night. To be honest, I felt it was a bit annoying. I would tell him I didn’t need that kind of attention.
Chris knew there had to be more to marriage than what he was getting so he studied the scriptures. One of his favorites was, Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives [seek the highest good for her and surround her with a caring, unselfish love], just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify the church, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word [of God].”
He began to shower me with love. He truly believed that the wife he desired and the one I wanted to become was buried within me. He treated me with such care that I knew he valued me as precious. He thought of me in ways I wouldn’t imagine. On Fridays, Chris would take my car and fill the gas tank so I wouldn’t have to get out in the cold. One winter, as I left for work, I noticed a car just like mine parked beside the exit door. He had driven to my job to clear the snow off my car, heat it up, and pick me up at the door. This was a perfect example of Eph 5:25 – of “surround her with caring, unselfish love.”
It wasn’t until I lost my job that I realized that I really needed him. I was depressed and hurt and felt that my identity had been stripped from me. Chris fought for me in prayer. He prayed over me and for me. He constantly reminded me of my worth. He spoke of my gifts and talents when everything in me said I was unworthy and unfit. Just as Christ declared his word over his people (church) to transform us, so did my husband for me. The more he affirmed me, the more his words cleansed me of my past. Before long, I believed I was who he said I was. I cannot tell you that the process of love is for the faint at heart, but I can tell you it works if you don’t quit. 1 Corinthians 13:7 New Living Translation (NLT) 7 says, “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” Now, we are both thoughtful of one another. I now enjoy surprising him with his favorite meal from the Olive Garden. I enjoy supporting him when he speaks at a church, even if it means only holding his water.
My husband was not okay with doing life together yet separate. He wanted more for us and knew our strength was greater together as one. It was not easy for him to give his time in praying for me, in confessing the word over me. He simply would not move on unless I was moving with him. He truly believed we were members of each other (one body). If I am hurting in my body, he is hurting. Ephesians 5:28 says, “Even so husbands should and are morally obligated to love their own wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own body, but [instead] he nourishes and protects and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,” 30 because we are members (parts) of His body.
Sometimes my restless legs keep me up at night. If he senses they are bothering me, he sits up in bed and rubs them until I am able to find relief. He tells me he does it because he loves me.
It took me several years to realize this unconditional love is exactly what I needed in order to become who God and my husband needed for me to be. It was then that I was able to love and let love. Today, I am not afraid to be transparent in my love and affection towards him. I love being with him. There is nothing more beautiful than when he shares his deepest thoughts and fantasies with me and mine with him. It creates such a beautiful, intimate connection I never dreamed possible.
When speaking to couples, we make it clear that it won’t change overnight. We encourage them to be patient but diligent. You will reap a harvest from the seeds of life that you plant. On the other hand, you can speak words of death and reap a harvest from that. Proverbs 18:20-22 says, “A man’s belly shall be satisfied with the fruit of his mouth; and with the increase of his lips shall he be filled. 21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”
I know that a husband and wife can create whatever they want in a marriage. We have seen and counseled many couples that do not speak life into each other. Couples have the ability to speak life or death into their spouse. We discourage speaking words like lazy, unromantic, boring, mean, etc. Words are seeds that will return to you. A powerful way to speak life is by prayer. During every session, we remind the couples to pray together daily and to speak life over one another and their families.
Put love in action by:
- Hugging and kissing her every day before leaving for work.
- Holding her hand while driving
- Calling, not texting, just to say, “I love you.”
- Making her breakfast in bed
- Not criticizing her, but rather, praising her.
A Man’s Greatest Need
Early on in our marriage, I used to go crazy trying to think of ways to get Chris to do and see things my way. I would insult him by voicing my frustrations with him in front of our children. That was probably the most damaging action on my part. I discovered that he would instantly disconnect from me. It would sometimes take days before I would sense emotion from him. We would go through the motions as if all was well, but it would be clear that there was a wall up.I love the interpretation of Ephesians 5:33 Amplified Bible (AMP), “…the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear].” There were times that it was hard to show respect for him, especially when I felt I was right. I thought if I would sternly voice my anger, then he would change. Tearing him down only led to him feeling rejected, and he, in turn, rejected me. Men love to feel as if they are the king in your life, so I honored him more and corrected or criticized him less. This takes dedication and maturity, but if you put forth the effort, you will begin to see change happen in your man.
I remember receiving two dozen long stem roses delivered to my work. All my co-workers thought it was the most beautiful thing he could do. I, instead, was angry because he wasted all that money on roses that would be dead in a few short days. My reaction crushed him. I had missed an opportunity to honor him. He later told me that all he wanted to feel was my satisfaction with him.
We have been married for twenty-seven years, and to this day, he opens my car door for me. The first time that my mother witnessed this, I told her that I am not handicapped and that I can open my own door. She corrected me by saying that most women would be delighted to have a man like mine. I felt deeply remorseful and began thanking him every time. I noticed that it makes him feel good when I brag about him to my friends and family. Wives, as you work towards a healthy marriage find something that your husband does that you respect and build on it. It may be small at first. Maybe it’s as simple as recognizing him for putting his dirty clothes in the clothes basket instead of on the floor. Honor and respect him for the small things, and soon he will change in other areas to gain more of your respect.
Recently my husband and I worked with a couple that was strange because during our session with them the husband had nothing to say. Finally, by the third session, he stated that he had learned to keep his mouth shut because he didn’t want to be treated like a child. We asked exactly what that meant. He felt that his opinion didn’t matter. His wife would say things like “You don’t make sense,” and “My way is better.” He stood before us like a wounded dog. God created man to have a natural desire to be respected, and he will find someone that will respect him if his wife doesn’t.
Years ago, we worked with a couple in our church. Whenever the husband would speak, the wife would cross her arms and roll her eyes. He got frustrated and voiced that he hated it when she would do that and that he felt disrespected. She asked how she could be disrespectful when she hadn’t said a word. Words don’t always reveal disrespect. Actions can also reveal it.
Some practical ways to show respect:
- Don’t withhold intimacies. He will feel rejected.
- Spend time with him. Just be together.
- Don’t bad mouth him to extended family. This will cause him to feel disrespected by others in the family.
- Show support on parenting, especially in front of the children.
- Praise him in front of family and friends. It will make him feel good in front of those that mean the most to him.
- Become his cheerleader. Encouragement instead of criticizing will cause him to feel respected.
- Let him know you need him. Even if you really can do it yourself, such as having him change the windshield wipers on your car or unclogging the drain.
- Say you are sorry. It will let him know that you care about his feelings.
- Acknowledge him when he comes home. This reminds him that he is important to you.
- Tell him you miss him when apart. He will know that he is on your mind.
- Tell him he’s handsome. It will let him know that you have eyes only for him.
- Touch him. Touch is a language. It will say many things such as peace, desire, and love.
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| Chris and Angie Yousey |
Angela Yousey and her husband Chris co-pastor at the Spirit of Love Ministries in Columbus, Ohio. For nearly twenty-seven years, they have worked with couples and families providing them with sound biblical counseling. They first started with small groups in their home, per the request of a few struggling couples. The groups grew so large that people would sit on the floor. Because of their dedication and ability to deliver a message of hope, their following evolved into a church that launched in 2018. Angela loves helping people. Her career choice was a registered nurse. She has practiced in her career for twenty-eight years. Angela and her husband had both been divorced when they met. They understand what it takes to overcome the emotional pain of divorce after living through it. She felt that all of her struggles and pain was part of God’s plan. She says that even as a child she knew she would one day help marriages. When she met her husband, he also desired to help restore marriages. They have been able to blend their two families together into a loving one. Together they have six sons and six grandchildren. Four of their sons served in the United States Armed Forces, and one earned a full football scholarship to the University of Toledo. Their last son is currently being recruited by several Division I colleges for football. Her story is a demonstration of the power of love, unity, and grace.
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