After putting out a clarion call seeking to interview someone that has struggled with anxiety and depression, my former client Valerie Gamble quickly responded. That action alone demonstrates just how far the Lord has brought her in her journey to wholeness.So, the other day, Valerie and I had the opportunity to sit down and reflect on her lifelong battle with anxiety and depression. When asked her thoughts about the origins of the anxiety, she says beyond a shadow of a doubt "It was fear. It started when I was a little kid." Valerie specifically recalled early experiences with the supernatural as the first cause."Um, it started with seeing things {supernatural manefestations}, that scared me. It just continued to get worse and worse and worse. I would hold on to my mother. Like if I had to go to the bathroom, I would hold onto my mom then run to the bathroom." She recalls being about seven years old. What many would attribute to routine separation anxiety, went much further than that for Valerie.
"Yea, my mom stayed home {stay at home mom}. There were always people around me, I was never alone. But I was always scared. My grandma would say that it was just my imagination, but I knew that it wasn't. From then on it got worse. And then {as} I got older, I think that I got anxious because there was so much change and I did not know how to deal with it." As I pressed for specifics, Valerie shared a pivotal season of her life that caused heightened anxiety and depression. " Like my parent's divorce, I partied a lot. I didn't know how to handle things, so I just drank and I just ignored any feelings that I had. They just built up so much that they started to physically manifest. It started with my stomach. Like just a really bad stomach ache." Valerie confirmed that it was more along the lines of IBS, she stated "sometimes when I would get really upset, I would just throw up. That lasted for some years, and I ran from everything. I just ran, I just shut doors...I actually moved and did not give anybody my phone number or my address. I just was kinda hiding from everything."
Like so many children of divorce, Valerie was devastated by being stuck in the middle of her parent's situation. The constant desire to be a loyal child often conflicted with her innate sense of what was right and what was wrong. She describes the toll that this situation took on her mental health. "Yea, my dad started dating this woman from his work. What happened was my dad told my boyfriend and my boyfriend couldn't keep his mouth shut and he told me he had something to tell me. So he told me that my dad had a girlfriend and I confronted him {my dad} about it. That's what put me in the middle of it. He would tell me perverted nasty things. This is what messed me up so bad cause in my mind, I would just put that in a box...like nope he didn't say that. One day he asked me for a ride to work and I said ok, and he said come out here, I want you to meet her. At that moment I was torn between being obedient to my parent and this is messed up, so I didn't know what to do and I was so passive and I just got out of the car and was like "Hi". I am standing there thinking this was like the twilight zone. This was just wrong in so many ways, and I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know how to act. Then a few days later, my mother asked me about, and I was just done. I had already been sick, I already had stomach problems, I was already jittery but I became more jittery."
This was the point at which anxiety begin to rule. Valerie remembers "like the secrets were weighing me down so heavy and the thought of my little sister. She was only 11, I was worried about how this would affect my little sister. So when my mom asked me I just told her, it just got really ugly for a while. The whole separation situation." As can be expected, anxiety skyrocketed and Valerie resorted to the only thing she knew how to do. "That whole side of the family (dad's side) blamed me for it. You know, they said that I shouldn't have told my mom, you just ruined your sisters' life, they said. Everybody was like you know this is all your fault, so that brought anxiety too and I just moved. I was like being beaten down, and I didn't let it out I just held it in. My dad left when I was 21, and I was about 25 when the anxiety really started."
"So I did {take medication} for a small amount of time then I stopped in between then, but {taking medication} daily probably started when I was 30. So it's been 11 years that I've been on medication." The trauma of her broken family persisted for many years until she returned to church. "The stress of the situation (with my dad), when I would go over to his house for like Christmas or something was unbearable. I would cry the whole way home, every time. The awkwardness of the situation really made me want to escape. I self-medicated for about five years, before returning to church. When I started looking more for God, in a way it got bad {before it ever got better} because I didn't self-medicate."
As a child, Valerie encountered extremely dark times that planted the seed for anxiety that will sprout in adulthood. "When I was younger I would just sit in the basement and look for ways to disappear, I would take pills, cut myself, I tried everything. I also experienced depression from being so poor". My dad only made $7.85 an hour, not enough for a family of four. My mom would only have $30 for groceries, I only could get $30 for clothes for the year. I had to work if I wanted a coat."
But God! Valerie has experienced levels of deliverance and healing that would be hard to quantify if I were anything but an eye witness to it. When we talked that afternoon, I could easily identify the shift in her thought life. I asked her thoughts about what helped most. Without hesitation, she responded "Well, God! But also learning to change the way that I think. Learning to have faith...if you are always looking at things negatively, you are always going to draw negative, but if you are looking at things in a positive light and you try to have hope or some kind of blind faith, it just kinda seems to work out, it's how you look at it...I did that as a kid. I used to do it as a kid, but not to the same extent as now. Now, ever since counseling, I have learned to change my thinking. so within the last year, I determined that I could either cry and scream and yell and go backward or I could decide to have faith that it would work out."
As we concluded our time together, I asked Valerie what else she wanted people to know about anxiety and depression. She offered this advice, "I know for me, you can't get help until your ready....you've got to truly be ready, cause if you're not, nothing is going to change. It will be nothing, it will be the same. When asked if she thought she was on a good path now. Her answer was a resounding yes. "I have my moments, but yea. I see things differently." Despite being in the midst of a trying season, Valerie remains confident in God. "Even if things are really horrible, I try to find the good. No matter what happens I'll just still be ok."
It was my distinct privilege to walk alongside Valerie as she worked to overcome the very difficult and often limiting circumstances of her life. Though she has not reached the finish line, she is closer now than ever before. I pray that her story offers hope and inspiration for those who also struggle with anxiety and depression in the way that she has. Please know that there exists no circumstance that can not be resolved by our loving Father through the shed blood of Jesus Christ. You need only take one step towards Him, and like the prodigal son's Father, he will run to you. Amen?!
For more information about counseling services offered at TheWell (both in person and online) please visit TheWellEncounter.org
0 Comments