By Ashlee V. Grant (2019)
Over the last few years the terms, self-love, and self-care have been trending topics in a very “in your face” kind of way. Although I agree that we must love ourselves and care for ourselves, I feel like there was an underlying agenda to get us wrapped up in self and to become selfish and dismissive of others and their needs. The messages that I saw were very vain, lacking in both depth and biblical truth. Meaning, when the tests of life come, which they evitably will, the suggestions that have been made to-date, have done nothing to actually sustain the individual. Plan a vacation, take a spa day, read a book, light a candle, whatever you do, do what makes you happy! Does this sound familiar?
When there is a message trending or being pushed, it is always imperative to discern the spirit behind it to ensure that we are not buying into a false narrative that’s not sustainable or applicable in every season, situation, and circumstance. So when the trend started with self-care and loving self, I didn’t jump on the bandwagon. Even though it was obvious to me, that I was struggled with loving myself in seasons, I needed to know God’s perspective about self-love. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t slip into a humanistic approach to life that is built on “sinking sand” and not the solid rock of biblical truth. To that end, I have been on a life long journey to learn to love myself. However, it is only within the last three years that I feel like I’ve been loving myself the right way.
Storytime: My war with loving myself.
When my husband and I were married in 2015, we got pregnant almost immediately. It was one of the most exciting yet terrifying times of my life. I was in love with the idea of having a baby but terrified by the fact that it had to come out one way or another. LOL! One thing that relieved me was the community of pregnant friends that I found myself surrounded by. We were one another's support system. During that time, my diet changed and I was eating more, of course. I wasn’t too much concerned about gaining weight because it was a part of the process. Truth be told, I’ve always struggled with my weight, it would fluctuate a lot, but during this time I was at a comfortable weight.
In the weeks to follow, we soon discovered that I was experiencing a miscarriage. I had started bleeding consistently during my first trimester. After so many doctors’ visits, prayer, and encouraging words from the saints, as well as an ultrasound technician, I was told everything was fine. Listen... my mother instinct kicked in early and although I appreciated the words, I knew something wasn’t right.
I wanted to remain hopeful because I believed that the Lord could perform a miracle, but I also didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment because hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). My faith was shaken in a major way during that season. Worry and paranoia began to set in. I was in a real war during this time. On my husband’s birthday, we had our final ultrasound, encouraged by our midwife, and the ultrasound tech who said the baby was measuring at 6 weeks and looked good. My husband was excited because he received “good news” on his birthday. My heart sank because I was supposed to be 11 weeks. During the previous ultrasound, I was measuring at 9 weeks. My feelings were confirmed.
That evening I hosted my husband’s birthday party at our friends’ home. My pastor at the time came over to me, laid hands on my shoulders and said: “The Lord says, there will be no miscarriage, this baby shall live in Jesus name”. I lifted my hands to receive it, by this time I was just wanting the conversations to stop. Not more than 30 mins after that word, I was in my best friend’s bathroom having a miscarriage. I was traumatized! I called for my husband and he couldn’t take it. Two of my closest friends stayed in the bathroom with me, not knowing what to do, but wanting to lighten the moment, if at all possible. I laughed in one of my most painful moments because I didn’t want them to feel overwhelmed, insert SELF CARE speech here. I know that sounds crazy, but that’s my truth. I didn’t know how to actually feel in the moment. It was so surreal and my only thoughts were that I failed my child. Guilt set in quickly, I mean it took no time. I hated myself. I hated myself for the miscarriage and I hated myself for hiding my real emotions because I felt like I needed to be strong for everyone else. This miscarriage hit hard. It wasn’t just about losing a baby, I believe the Lord wanted to reveal and heal me from some wrong mindsets as well as inviting my husband and me into a closer relationship.
That season was extremely painful in every sense of the word. For days, I just cried. I know the doctor tried to do her best to tell me that this wasn’t my fault, but her words held no power. To me, it sounded like the same script she read to the hundreds of other women who had to receive that devastating news from her. Though it took a day for my husband and me to actually lock eyes and cry together about the loss of our baby, I never shared how I felt about myself.
In the days that followed, I tried to pray, but I was so offended with God. Jealousy sprung up because more of my friends were finding out they were pregnant and I was too busy hating myself for losing our baby. I was lacking love! Not just love for myself, but I wasn’t receiving the love of the Father. I had built a wall to “protect” myself from being hurt. I was simultaneously wearing this “Christians suffer, but need to be strong” mask. It was rough. Not to mention, I had gained so much weight and kept gaining weight because I turned to food instead of God. It was a rough and tough season, ok?!
There was so much being revealed and I needed to get to a place to even process it all. Before I knew it, I was pregnant again, but that wasn’t the answer. I needed to hear God’s voice, I needed to hear Him say “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Psalm 27:10, Hebrews 13:5). I needed to learn to receive love so that I could love myself and begin to heal. It took some time and thankfully the Lord is a good Father that does not rush our processes, He is patient. He began to talk to me about myself and how I respond to trials. He talked to me about how I respond to pain and even what I believed about Him. Did I honestly believe what I read in His word? Did I believe He was for me? Did I believe that He loved me? These were real questions that I thought I could respond with a resounding “yes!”, but that was not the case.
So, what does this have to do with loving self? EVERYTHING! As Christians, I believe our only way to be victorious in loving ourselves is by receiving the love of God. Some of us may have that locked in, while others are on a journey to discovering His unfailing love towards us. We can only love because He first loved us. There is no humanistic remedy, no amount of money, spa days, books, or smelling the aroma of candles that can bring us into true self-care and loving ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we also need to know why we hate ourselves. We have to go beyond the surface to get to the root of our hate and bitterness towards ourselves. If we do not choose to do this, that hate may leave for a season, but return in another. For me, it returned post-miscarriage and postpartum when I realized how much weight I gained and there was no motivation to do anything about it. Looking good for myself or anyone else was out of the question because the self-hate was so real. I had to dig deep to find out what the root was and what my triggers were. I needed to know how to combat these things before they came my way. I could only do this by the word of God.
Knowing what God believes about us is so important. Declaring His truth and speaking positive truths over ourselves is equally imperative. We also love ourselves by being real with ourselves. If there are things that we want to change about ourselves, it doesn’t help if we act like those things don’t exist or bother us. Obviously after reading this blog, one can see that a very real struggle of mine is being overweight and the trigger to that was trauma. Trauma, for me, leads to emotional and unhealthy eating patterns. I hate myself, which means I am an enemy to myself, which also means that my mind is prepared to war against its enemy. I would eat to kill myself, not so that I could live. That being said, I also needed to address my relationship with food. Food was not merely sustenance to sustain me, but it was a comforter, a false comfort because as Christians we know that the Holy Spirit is our true comforter. You see, getting to the nitty-gritty of things is important if we want to love ourselves and be whole.
Loving ourselves is a journey. It takes time. We don’t have to get caught up in the fairytale that if we do more for ourselves we will love ourselves more. That is not the truth. To love yourself exclusively takes getting to know who you are and who you are created to be in these earth. The more we get to know God and His love for us, the more we will love ourselves and others. Learn to embrace yourself in every season of life. Acknowledge your weaknesses/frailties and tap into God’s strength. We do this by meditating on His words day and night, as Psalm 1 states. Seasons change, some are glorious and some are painful, but one thing remains true, God’s love is the same. You are worthy of love because you are God’s beautiful creation.
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| Ashlee V. Grant |
Ashlee is a wife, mother, entrepreneur, and most importantly, daughter of the Most-High God. Ashlee is committed to leading a life that reflects her gratitude for the redeeming grace extended to her through Yeshua and continually seeks to assist those around her with doing the same. Ashlee has a BA in psychology and an MPA from Kentucky State University. She and her husband Jerod, have one small child and reside in Central, Ohio.
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