By Scott E. Fleming (2019) In true twelve step fashion, I’d like to begin this article by acknowledging my truth. I am a divorcee. I am also a newlywed. I wish I could say that the divorce was unexpected, but the truth is it was not. I also wish I could say that my new marriage has been perfect. However, it too has not been. As you can imagine, these things are not easy to discuss, particularly if you take your vows seriously. As a follower of Christ, I understand the Bible to be the guidebook for righteous living. I take the instructions found within it seriously.Let me just say, as a Christian, my desire to please the Lord, Jesus Christ has always been a priority. Knowing that I now live with a blemished past that includes a failed marriage, is difficult for me. Some people will say that I’m right to have gone through the divorce, others will say that I am wrong, and others still may want to use my experience to justify their own actions. Let me break it down for you!
God HATES divorce! No, I did not stutter! He hates the effect that it has on families. He knows the sinful nature of the human heart (on a much deeper level than we can understand) and therefore knows that there are people who will use divorce to cover the sin of not loving their spouse as He intended. Very simply put, there is no good thing that can happen through a divorce. That is not to say that divorce is never warranted. There are actually situations that necessitate divorce for some. That aside, divorce aborts the designed purpose of the covenant that God intended to last forever. Unfortunately, many modern marriages are entered into without thought and reverence and are driven by carnal desires, even in the church. Of course, this is not pleasing to God!
As I reflect on my own divorce experience, I know that I was a part of the problem because I gave up long before I went through the legal proceedings. Like a lot of believers, I was more concerned about what others thought of me than I was about the actual state of my marriage, which by all accounts was dismal. By the time I signed the papers, I was already divorced in my heart. I could make excuses, but I know that God is not interested in excuses! He’s interested in humility and integrity. Admitting my personal failure afforded me the opportunity to understand and experience the true grace of God.
On the other side of that season, I was presented with the opportunity to try again. I never in a million years thought that I would remarry, but I did. After all, when my ex-wife and I separated, I stood at a crossroads. I wanted to move forward, but I was unsure of my direction. I remembered what was left in the wake. Hurt and pain. Furthermore, I had to remember that there were others caught in the crossfire of the divorce process. Children, grandchildren, grandparents, inlaws, friends and of course, my ex, They all had to be considered. I knew without a doubt that God had forgiven me (and you too, if applicable) because I asked Him to, but believe me, other people were not so understanding. With limited knowledge of the situation or the facts surrounding it, many were not so keen on the forgiving and forgetting. In a lot of cases, I was looked at as a failure! Please don’t let that be your label!
Despite that, I realized that I still had a lot of life to live. Though I was prepared to do it alone, God had something else in mind. Contrary to how it may feel during the process of divorce, we were not created to live in misery, especially when we are in Christ! He came so that we could have abundance. That comes with an intimate relationship with God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. This relationship must be intentional and consistent. It is imperative to pursue God in all you say and do. He must be the love of your life first! It is out of that love relationship that you can make room for others.
If you are like me, you may be wondering if your moving forward will ever consist of another person? The lingering question about remarriage is: Does God want you to pursue another spouse? Well, that depends. Here are some things to consider.
Your existence in life is not completed by another individual.
Only God can complete you. However, there may be someone who is so in love with God that your lives are parallel in the pursuit. Even still, proceed with caution. Your lifestyle and vision must be focused on the same ideals.
Your relationship right with God must remain the priority.
He alone is your savior. Don’t look for a spouse to “save you”! Everyone is different and the reason most remarriages fail is that the individual is looking to forget or hide their pasts. Then the expectations of the new relationship are based on what you think others think of you.
The calling of God on your life is paramount.
Single or married, the vision should proceed into your future. It is imperative that the priority in your life is to be obedient to the will of the Father. For me, the call is to pursue Him and to show others how to live righteously with intensity. Through the ups and downs, I will serve Him. Through the good and bad, I will not give up hope to connect and reconnect with my Creator and the King of kings; Jesus Christ!
That being said, I am happy about my choice to remarry. I am grateful that my wife is someone that desires to burn for Him too. I believe that we were unified by the Holy Spirit. We may have tough decisions to make as a couple, but it is that power that makes us stronger and more potent together than separate. Yes, we can (and do) butt heads at times regarding the way in which God will use us, however, our agreement to be utilized by Him is what matters. After all, the process of becoming one is no less difficult despite it being the second time around. It requires a decision and agreement by both parties to move forward together in pursuit of God.
A few concluding reminders:
- Learn from your mistakes and be willing to forgive your spouse (both former and current if applicable) for things that seem hard to forgive.
- Don’t compare your first marriage to your new marriage. The only common denominator is you! You must be committed to the vision and willing to change some of your old habits.
- Keep God in the center of your relationship.
- Know that He wants you to have joy, not struggling!
- Serve the Lord with gladness!
- Let your walls down with your new spouse and allow them to love you in spite of your weaknesses.
- Be honest no matter how difficult that may seem
Friends, the Lord’s plan for your success did not end when you divorced. In other words, He is still working within you! That’s what makes the gospel such good news. You are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ!
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| Scott E. Fleming |
Scott has been in full-time ministry since 1980. He was employed by Youth for Christ beginning as a Campus Life Director and promoted to Executive Director. He also directed the traveling music ministry for Youth for Christ. In addition, Scott has been the Lead Pastor in several church plants, including one for the Assemblies of God. He has worked as a counselor for several agencies and has a vast background in music leadership and education.
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