 |
| By Christina Lewis (2019) |
As a child, I would imagine what my life would be like. Sometimes, I wanted to be a doctor, at others, I wanted to be a ballerina. At no point did I ever say I wanted to grow up to be an addict. The thing is, I have never met an addict that wanted the life they were entangled in. But the truth is that so many are.
I believe that my decision to repeatedly put needles in my arms, came as my way to survive the life that I was facing. The ability to numb my emotions and quiet my fears was far more important than being coherent during those ten years. The sad thing is that most of the time that I spent running away, I didn't fully grasp who or what I was running from.
When you are raised in an environment where abuse is coming at you from all angles it is difficult to pinpoint much of anything. And, if we are being honest my goal wasn't healing; my goal was to simply survive. I did no more than that. My life changed from living in constant fear of the mental, physical and sexual abuse to being someone or something that I didn't recognize.
I was a shell of a human. My life was in shambles, yet I still did not have the slightest desire to get help. The thing about being high constantly was that I never had to remember anything, I didn't have to come face-to-face with the life that I had endured or lived. I probably never would have recovered had I not lost my brother. It's funny that his death, the one thing I never thought I could ever survive, became the pivotal point in my recovery.
Because of that one loss, the Lord was able to place certain people in my life who understood abuse and addiction and were able to serve as go-betweens. I was angry at God and full of so many “why’s”. Of course, I could not see a way out because I was too entangled. But, I found that freedom comes at times when you least expect it. It is in your darkest point that the smallest ray of light can be seen.
God moved slowly with me when I needed him to move slow. But more often than not I was being pressed into an uncomfortable position or situation to be molded into the person that He knew I could be. I guess that even freedom can be scary after you've been in bondage for so long, but it is worth it all to feel the chains they have held you down for so long finally break and fall away.
0 Comments